Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
so much tequila, so little girl.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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