forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize