Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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