I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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