The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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