Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
