in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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