Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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