just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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