i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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