I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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