I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
