If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize