Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
