By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We don't watch enough power rangers
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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