thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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