My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
