she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
