At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
