I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
