went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I love you. Go after that dick
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
