You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
