My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
