Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
