I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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