U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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