Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
