nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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