obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
