im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
