Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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