guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
pop tarts are not kleenex
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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