Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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