there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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