well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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