I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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