I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
