The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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