I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
