She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
