sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
