does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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