So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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