We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Everything about him screamed your future.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
