Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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