I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
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