this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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