All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
