Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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