Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
