I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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