I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
