worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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