happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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