You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
