Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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