someone threw a dead crab at me
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
